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Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
being a writer on Twitter:
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.