1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
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“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
mom had nothing to worry about
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.