the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.