Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon