i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Somebody’s lying.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”