I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad