FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁