Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Mouse
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Note to self: I am a note
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……