Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
greetings!
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.