Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good