commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Yeah. This was me today.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.