Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Merica.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Note to self: I am a note
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.