Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
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These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.