If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
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(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*