I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter