Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset