13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
can I use a minion as a tampon
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
mechanics be like
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.