I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
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HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*frowns in Scottish*
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Goodnight 🐶
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*