If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
You Might Also Like
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
🌱🌱🌱
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.