Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.