What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
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I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”