My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
this is the greatest thing ever
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I see your IQ test came back negative
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”