Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms