a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
What if all the cashiers are married?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.