*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.