Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Cool shirt 🙂
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations