‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
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me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift