I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
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When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I’m Sold!
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.