I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I am also baked goods
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.