A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.