My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
The 6 types of sex
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*