Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
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Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
A dad and his duck
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.