I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice