My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
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Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.