What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
You Might Also Like
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Sell your car
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Have kids, they said
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)