my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
🍛
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂