The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
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True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on