it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
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If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Super Hand Dog Face
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
What
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Can. I. Help. You.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.