If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
You Might Also Like
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
concern
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Good news
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN