I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
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“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.