[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
People buying plungers never look happy.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.