If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy