[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Going into Monday like
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive