So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
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Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.