Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?