Monday again. I just knew this would happen
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Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
are they though??
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.