My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
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I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.