If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!