I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
who did the taste test?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous