If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
You Might Also Like
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite